Monday, March 30, 2009

What not to wear...maternity special

Boobs. I have them. A rather generous serving of them in fact. When I'm not pregnant, I am a 34DD. All my adult life, I have dealt with finding tops that fit. An easy solution to this is to have my clothes tailor made or altered. Unfortunately, these solutions work better if you have a large disposable income. Or, any disposable income really, we do not. In all the years of my marriage, I have either looked like Betty Boop or a female trucker.

Yesterday, I caved and drove the umpteen million miles to the only maternity boutique left in the area. I found that the boutique is nothing like the chain store that used to be at our local mall. The prices sent shivers up my spine. If you haven't heard me say before, I love Mother Earth. I really get excited to find a pair of sandals made out of bamboo or organic jeans. My enthusiasm is curbed by an organic maternity tee that is $80.00...after the 50% markdown. For $80.00 that organic tee had better come with the green equivalent of a teflon coating...because I would have to wear it every single day for the last two months of this pregnancy to almost justify the cost.

I gave up trying on clothes that I liked shortly after walking in. Instead I opted to try on clothes that I could afford. Which meant that I ended up spending $40.00 (after an additional 50% off the 75% off clearance price) on two shirts that were the right size, could be worn with a bra, and weren't neon in color. Today, since it was cool here, the high was only 78, I wore the shirt with a 3/4 sleeve.

It wasn't until some schmuck started to wolf whistle outside Wal-Mart, that I began to suspect that maybe the tunic was a tad too low cut for me. I blew it off, figuring that just maybe he didn't notice the bump because of the shopping cart. I discounted this theory and headed for the fitting room mirrors after some other jackass said," that baby is awfully little for you to be so pregnant, but, I guess I can see why."

My choices are clear. I can, continue to wear the tee shirts of years past reminding me of all my long lost friends like Jack, Jim, and Jose. I can ignore the looks of all the 'in crowd' mommies as they wonder who will care for my crack baby. Or...I can walk around with my boobs hanging out, looking like a hooker that caters to pregnancy fetishes. Got milk?


  1. That sounds so frustrating, but also funny since you write so well. I already have to shop very carefully (close to your non-pregnancy size) so I can only imagine what it is like when pregnant or nursing! In any case though, I do wish that people would be more polite.

  2. "Or...I can walk around with my boobs hanging out, looking like a hooker that caters to pregnancy fetishes."


    [begin rant]

    Sorry. I have no patience for certain types of people. Example: The lady who stopped me in Kroger, whilst I was pushing my 18-month-old twins in the double stroller, expressed her condolences that I have not one, but TWO children to keep up with, and told me she hoped I didn't have any more.

    OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, PEOPLE! They're babies, not boils! And I'm glad I have them. I'll take whatever else I get, too, and be happy about it!

    Sorry. [end rant]

    You wear what makes you feel pretty and good about yourself. If anyone else gives you any flack, you let me know. I'm looking for an excuse to go somewhere tropical! Ha!

  3. I must agreee with Jude and say wear what works for you.
    Of course, this advice comes from someone who apparently coined the phrase 'grape-groping'. ;)

  4. Hey Jude, I think you ran into my mom at Kroger. I still haven't told her about the baby, my hubby hasn't either, or my dad, or my children...because we are all dreading the, "Oh Dear God! What are you thinking? You can barely take care of the five you have now. What in the hell is the matter with you, for God's sake?"

    My mom for some reason has it set in her mind that the only way to parent is the way she did. The only way to keep house is the way that she does. The only way to do anything correctly is...her way.

    It is nearly every time we talk that she reminds me that if I had been smart, we would have stopped our family at three children. Why three you might wonder? The three oldest are in school.

    I get the impression, that I would never share with her, but nevertheless, the impression that my mother didn't really like being a mommy very much. I think that she let herself get pinned down by the work of children, and never really made time to just enjoy us when we were kids.

    Don't get me wrong, there are days that I would saw off my right arm for a break...but break or not in a couple of hours I am back to really loving being with my babies. They are my life and they give me the greatest joy. People who don't understand that or say "well of course, but..." make me feel sad. For them.

    *Hah! A rant for a rant...sorry!*

  5. We have the same mother... I understand the mother-daughter dynamic you explained. I'm in it! (Or just recently extricated myself from it, actually...)

    I like it when you rant! Do it more!