Today, I spent some time reading my blog. Wow! I am actually pretty embarrassed. For this lovely month of April showers, I have been a storm cloud myself. So, I want to talk about a few different things in no particular order.
I am getting to the point that I am scared. Really, very, terribly scared. You see, I have had one of my children all by myself (meaning no hubby at the hospital) and it was really my worst experience with having a baby...ever. I am very frightened that it will happen again this time. Since Hubby is living so far away, he may not be able to get here for the new baby's birth...and this scares me. My five babies right now, will have to be entrusted to my Aunt while I am in the hospital. I know that they all adore her, but, I hate leaving them. Honestly, if my insurance would cover a home birth, I would be all over it like white on rice.
My oldest son is fighting me tooth and nail in obvious ways and more subtle ones. He is so angry about this baby, and he really wants me to know it. Of course, he was also furious about the last four of my babies too. I am worried about him. I am also sad. I miss him, the way he usually is, so very much. While he was at my Mom's for a week, he told her about the baby (he asked if he could...and I'm chicken so I was okay with it) and her response was, "just don't tell your Grandpa, if he finds out he'll kill your mother." She has yet to raise the subject with me. My Mom's response, and they way they have reacted to the rest of their grandchildren, I think contributes to his anger. This is something else that makes me sad.
I am feeling massive amounts of guilt. I have never had two children as close together as TLL and the baby will be. I feel like I am cheating TLL out of attention that should still rightly be hers. She is such a precious baby and I feel like a monster knowing that soon she won't have 'latest addition' status anymore. I know I mentioned at some point finding a tee-shirt that said, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." I bought that shirt in a lot of different sizes for TLL, so she can wear it if we find ourselves having trouble giving her the attention she will still need. Guilt eats at a Mommy. I think we thrive on it sometimes. I imagine it to be like unicorn blood in the Harry Potter books...it gives us life, but a cursed half life. *Overly dramatic, I know.*
I am feeling so very terrible. With my first three pregnancies, it was a breeze. I couldn't understand why women complained about it. With H, I began to understand a little better. With TLL I was completely miserable for six of the nine months. This time, it is even worse. Thanks to some nerve damage that is exacerbated by pregnancy, it is almost impossible for me to bend over without feeling like I am going to pass out. I also have trouble with suddenly not being able to feel my left arm and left foot. Then there is the pressure which is nearly constant now. I often wonder if other moms of many have had increasingly difficult pregnancies with their broods.
I am really disgusted with the house we are living in. I am tired of drying carpets (talk about a time suck) and I am tired of the roof leaking every five minutes. I am aghast at what is under the carpet upstairs. There is no padding. Just icky, wet wood. Today the towel bar in the children's bathroom fell to the floor. It took half the putty that was apparently replacing drywall with it. My Grandfather still hasn't finished the door, so I am getting all sorts of creepy crawlies inside, not to mention my electric bill has gone up $40 a month for the last two months. The folks next door punched a hole in our adjoining wall when installing their water softener. I have been seeing icky bugs in my kitchen, which completely repulse me. The exterminator traced the source to the wall. I have been told that they will keep spraying, but, it will be a losing battle so long as the hole exists and the woman next door isn't treating her home. They sprayed the day before yesterday and I spent all day yesterday cleaning up dead and dying bugs. Gross. This doesn't even touch on my bordering on OCD method of cleaning all kitchen surfaces every time I walk in there. I can deal with mess and clutter, germs and filth are a different story. Germs must be eradicated.
Now for some good things.
I am grateful for this blog. To have this outlet for my anger, frustration, and less than classy language has allowed me to keep much of my internal strife hidden from my children. There is a certain comfort in being able to put thoughts on paper (if you will) and then being able to walk away from them. Until I see those words and thoughts all typed out, often I can't stop them from running non stop through my mind at all times of the day and night.
We bought a new car seat for TLL yesterday. It made me feel like I was actually doing something to get ready for the new baby. It is a pretty extravagant affair, and was more money than I think we have ever spent on a car seat. Of course, it was also marked down $65 because it was one of two left at Costco. My husband the engineer gave up on the installation instructions and turned the process over to me. The car seat absolutely made me feel completely inept. I've had five kids...um, why can't I figure out a simple car seat? Still, the car seat was a good thing. A nesting thing even.
Three more weeks and H will get his cast off! I am so happy about this. It pains me to watch him with his cast. My family tends to say things like, "the cast isn't slowing him down." That statement makes me want to rip a heart or two out. I see everyday how much he fights to do things that used to be so easy for him. He is left handed and he is having a hell of a time. Glad I'm the only one who notices. I'm not sure if I want to save the cast or burn it when they cut it off...we shall see.
I am going to try to let a little more sun shine through in my blog. I do have five awesome children that wow and amaze me each and every day. My children make me laugh and fill me with love and pride. Hopefully, putting all my fears in words will let me distance myself from them, will lighten the pressure on my chest, and will let me concentrate more on the magic in my life. The magic is the best part.
This is not a triumphant return...
2 days ago