Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sadism and Masochism, G rated

Right now I sit duct taped to my chair, too tired to care. I was sort of hoping that my oldest child would take the duct tape away from my three year old before he fell asleep, but, I am pretty sure my hopes are about to be dashed. Are you wondering how something like this happens? Well, it is pretty simple. First you have to be privy to Gitmo style terror tactics. You know, when ten minutes into every rest period someone wakes you up by screaming in your ear? After about a year and a half of that, your captors can step it up.

They start to deprive you of food. First a morsel here, then a bite there. Finally, they are eating everything but the most gruesome vegetables off your plate. Now you are tired and weak. It is time for the next phase.

Humiliation. My captors excel in this area. "Mommy, your shirt is stretchy," followed by yanking on it so that my boobs are exposed to the rest of the Target patrons, works well. Also a comment like, "I'm telling Dad that you spent $300 of his money today," proclaimed loudly at the grocery store checkout, has merit too.

Finally, the waterboarding. This is when you leave a glass of anything unfinished. Remembering, when it applies to someone else only, that we have strict waste not, want not rules around here, my captors will bring the cup to me and force me to drink it. Often ending up with me choking and gasping for air because I am seldom allowed to hold my own glass.

The end result is falling asleep sitting up, holding your laptop, correcting your husband's reports, and coming to, just in time to realize that you have been duct taped to the chair, and that the remainder of your living room under 4 feet in height is now festooned by duct tape streamers. Yay!


  1. No way. That is crazy. And hilarious.

  2. Very, very funny. So sorry you live with terrorists, though...


  3. So what you're saying is that I should hide the duck tape. Duly noted. If only they hadn't taken my train of thought... Where is the duck tape?!

  4. hey, they just care about you....i mean, what would of happened should you of fallen asleep and dare FALL out of your chair!

    Nothing says love like, "i duct taped you in, so you wouldn't fall out!"