Dear Spouse,
Remember when you called me yesterday? I said I was bleaching the floor on my hands and knees. Remember when you called back and I told you I was still bleaching the floor on my hands and knees? Scrubbing the unsealed grout with a glorified toothbrush while chemically burning my entire respiratory system.
When you called me last night to tell me that your poor landlady couldn't go to work yesterday because she had to bleach the sink in your bathroom because you weren't keeping it clean enough? I wanted to hit you over the head with the frying pan I was washing until you got it. Asking me what would be a nice thing to do for her to say thank you? Let me suggest you take away the knives if you still want to talk about it when you get home.
Thank you for being such a kind soul that you worry so much about your landlady. It is very sweet really. If you gave a shit about me, it would be sweeter yet.
Love,
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Dear Son,
I love you. You are my flesh and blood. You make me laugh and charm me with your wit. You are an amazing young man who never fails to astound me.
You are also lazy. I'm tired of your crap. I'm tired of your mouth. When you are talking to me and I tune out? When you accuse me of not listening? It is because I am fantasizing about duct taping your mouth shut until you can show a modicum of respect.
When I tell you that I want you to do something and you respond with, "Why do I have to do it? What are you doing right now?" I have to repeat, "Violence is not the answer," over and over and over again...until thoughts of an old fashioned whuppin' pass.
Thank you so much for forcing me to learn patience, beyond the limits that I never dreamed I could have.
I owe you one,
Mom
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Dear NBC,
About the Olympic hockey? I still hate your guts.
Thanks for giving me something other than my family to focus my *verypissedoffness* on.
Still a hater,
Your bitter ex viewer
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Awesome! Hide the knives when you get home? Bwahaha! Men! :D
ReplyDeleteDamn it I totally forgot to write the thank you to NBC and damn it the DID deserve one!
ReplyDeleteI'll come help you hit the hubs with that frying pan too! As far as your son, well when you figure that out let me know.
Thanks for mentioning me in the link ;-)
While Laura is your gal to hit the hubby...I'm your gal to scrub grout...I'll come sniff bleach with ya!
ReplyDeleteRemember when you were a kid, any chore was more fun and nearly bearable with your pal at your side....
More adults need that I think.
~hl~
I don't know. I'm starting to think that in my house just a tiny bit of well placed violence may be the answer.
ReplyDeletelove the note to the hubby!!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL
found you over at thinktankmomma!!!
loves your stuff you are damn funny!
Am new follower
Cameron
www.conquerthemonkey.com
OH see no I would have shown him landlady and the boy trust me sometimes violenvce is the answer, open a can of whup0 ass on em a time or two along with removal of every luxury from their room save the matress and clothing and watch how quickly they learn respect again...
ReplyDeletethanks for the blog advice. Can i participate in this beautiful thing called Gratitude with Attitude? Does it cost money cuz I got none only thing I got is attitude. I'm millionattitude. Don't tell the IRS.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I am not the only mom who fantasizes about duct taping rude little mouths!!
ReplyDeleteDude, I don't put up with lazy backtalkers in my home. It's chore time until they change their ways. I find that a good toilet scrubbing will take care of even the worst offenders. It may teach them to be neater than Mr. Husband. ;)
ReplyDeleteLooove this. So want to join in next time too :)
ReplyDeleteBoth! Live central, southeastish, if that makes sense =)
ReplyDeleteLove that....god our husbands are dumb asses aren't they!!
ReplyDeleteNot to self *charge rent*
Thanks for your humour!
Lynn
Ooooooh....
ReplyDelete"I wanted to hit you over the head with the frying pan I was washing until you got it."
"It is because I am fantasizing about duct taping your mouth shut until you can show a modicum of respect."
For these, and many other reasons, you are my ever-always-and-favorite Viv.
oh I gathered you were closer to me and he was working down south?
ReplyDeleteLove it! Thanks for the giggle x
ReplyDelete