Thursday, February 4, 2010

Don't look inside my head, it isn't pretty

I haven't posted in a couple of days, so where have I been? I've been home. Stressing. I am very badly in need of a few hours of uninterrupted rest. I think I've slept roughly 2 hours out of the last 48. I can barely function. I have double vision, a splitting headache, dizziness, and about four more loads of laundry to nurture my failing washer and dryer through.

My children brought home their report cards. My oldest child managed to keep his grades up with A's and B's, with a single C in Home Ec, not surprising given his proclivity to never wash anything...ever. LB brought home his first straight A report card, and JB brought home Honor Roll grades. I am pretty pleased.

My husband is still down South stressing over his job. I am still up here worrying about things over which I have no control, but, I seem unable to stop myself.

I am maudlin. Depressed, maybe. I can't do anything about it right now, so, I'm going to push forward. Talking to a doctor would require finding one. Then I would have to be comfortable enough to discuss my health. I'm just not there, not yet.

Everything seems to be slipping out of my grasp as of late. I think it probably centers around extreme exhaustion, both mental and physical. There isn't an end in sight, unless you are counting 18 years until I send my Baby Girl off to college.

My life right now is just unspeakably hard. I am alone and lonely. It is one thing to be single and alone. You can go out and meet someone, if you are alone, it is by choice. Married and alone is different. It's worse. I guess I am acutely aware of this as Valentine's Day approaches and I find myself looking forward to watching Fran Drescher host The Nanny, for the week on Nick. My husband shares a house with his landlord and her daughter, if he is without adult company, it is because he chooses to be, and he most assuredly doesn't get where I'm coming from. After all, he gets to spend his weekends out shopping with his landlord???

I am having a difficult time accomplishing anything at the house. I am trying to paint, but, it is nearly impossible with the babies and H demanding my constant attention. I also can't clean, or do anything really, unless I am willing to listen to one or more of them cry uncontrollably for my attention. I can recall the days that I would watch the clock, waiting until my husband came home so I could fold laundry, or take a shower. I don't bother thinking about it now, "he'll be home in six weeks," doesn't have the same ring as, "he'll be home by six."

I have three of my six who seem to be coming down with a cold, and my ears are starting to itch. Fun times are in store for us I do believe.


  1. Hey buddy. We'll be thinking about you.

  2. Oh wow. Can you make him come home and relieve you any sooner? I feel so bad for you. I know you have to be so exhausted and just emotionally done.

  3. When my daughter was 6 weeks old my husband started working out of town, and living out of town, my first week back to work I was on my own new mommy scared to death. He was living with a bunch of other men enjoying beer and video games as I was leaving for work at 5:15 AM and never sleeping. I get it, and I'm sorry. It's never easy. I've done the depression thing too...currently doing it too, truth be told...I'll send good thought, you'll get through it...

  4. Maybe it's time to rethink the long-distance thing. It seemed to work for a while, but you just seem to be getting more stressed and less happy. There has to be a way.

    Or at the very least, go out and charge a brand new, G-D D%@N washer and dryer! Enough is enough with that.

  5. sometimes having someone come home can be just as difficult, in a different way. just throw your hands up, if you can, settle in for a sickweek. we've got that going on here and i'm just NOt doing laundry. f'it. they can wear the same clothes again, or sleep in what they're wearing now. damn. hang in there. . . you know it always changes. . .

  6. If i've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, Lonely & married is the worst kind of lonely. Hence why I'm not married anymore. Now don't get me wrong, marriage is awesome if you are married to the right person...i unfortunately didn't fare so well in the "right" department. But I know how you that regard anyway....if it makes you feel any better, I am utterly heartbroken over my recent failed muddled attempt at a connection with a guy....and Valentines day is such a horrid reminder of the one that got away. :(

    So, I decided that this year I'm going to spend it with one of my other loves...I'm going to a motorcycle swap meet! :)

    If you can't have the one you want, love the motorcycles you're with.

    Hang in there Viv, if there's anything I can do...please, let me know.


  7. The house across the street from me is for sale. Seriously. Can you say "community?" I have a huge backyard. We'll build a mud-pit and sit on the patio drinking merlot while we watch the 9 hellions beat each other with sticks and use each other for ladders... Seven, sorry. The babies can build explosives together in a PackNPlay.

  8. Is the long distance thing permanent? Is there an end in sight? And I know that I watch the clock every day waiting for the DH to get home so I can breath a little easier. A good part of that is just not feeling lonely I totally get that. Thank god for computers right? I can't imagine how my mother did this without a computer or friends...she must have been so lonely.

    And it will get better, the baby won't be the baby for long and the older ones will eventually help out and before you know it they are all in school and you will have oodles of hours a week to sleep. fold laundry, bake, clean, run, write, read...etc.

    I also happen to love the Nanny.