Mom is now spelled with a scarlet A

Yesterday was NOT my greatest moment...at any given time during the day. It was shopping day. We got out of the house darn early because I was down to the formula in the bottle TLL was drinking at the time. Two stores, with two kids, after putting the baby in a regular car seat means that I was trying to push a double stroller and pull a shopping cart behind us. WTF I'm going to do after the baby arrives is a mystery. I'll probably only be able to leave the house if the big kids are with me so that we can each push a cart.

I was exhausted way before the kids got home. After they arrived, it was a flurry of activity. We had to get ready for JB's choral program, all the children's parent night, and the book fair. At school we ran into JB's BFF. Who asked if she could come home with us. Since her mom just took JB to a birthday party in my stead (BFF was also attending) I felt obligated to allow her to join us. We hadn't eaten yet (of course) so after we left the school (after 8:00) we went to Whole Foods and got pizza. The options are limited when feeding BFF because they are practicing Muslims, so any meat must be halal. At dinner H accidentally pulled his straw out of his drink and a tiny drop landed on BFF's pizza. She threw it away immediately and informed me that she was still starving, so I bought her another slice. Which she ate exactly one bite of. Inviting herself to join us and then adding to my exhaustion are great examples of why BFF isn't my favorite person.

I also need to be ashamed of myself...according to my 11 year old, I am a scarlet woman. One of the stock boys (I use the term loosely, he is about 40) asked he if he hadn't just seen me there (at the market) with only one child. I laughed and (happily) shared that BFF isn't mine, and that he must have seen us over Spring Break when most of the brood were away. We spoke briefly about his own daughter who is TLL's age, and that was all folks. However, my 11 year old immediately hissed that I should be "horribly ashamed" of myself for flirting with "that guy."

I was treated to a car ride home during which we discussed what flirting is. Whether or not I was guilty, and if "that guy" was indeed hitting on me. I'm sure BFF's mom got an earful. At one point, I even tried to reason with BB. I suggested that IF I were to try and replace his father it would NOT be with a stock boy, or when I was 8 months pregnant. I also suggested that most women (myself included) would also apply make-up, brush their hair, wear a shirt that didn't have a hole in it, and not accessorize with all their children if they were attempting to flirt with anyone.

I thought I had made my point, until he said good-bye to me today..."I'm going to school now, please try to not throw yourself at any strange men while you're out of my sight."

*sigh*

Happy Earth Day!

Today is Earth Day. I've been encouraging the kids to participate this week by having them wear 'green tee-shirts' all week. While I will admit to not being crazy about Wal-Mart clothes, I was loving the organic Earth Day tees for $4. How fun! So, I'll admit to buying a few of those, and the kids really seem to like them.

It was maybe a little over a year ago that I started trying to be more green. Since I began on this quest nearly everything around my house has changed. We recycle. I usually have two full bins every week. Indeed, sadly we could recycle more if we had more room. Our community accepts one bin per residence, my extra is courtesy of a neighbor that isn't interested, but was kind enough to let us use her bin.

The next change I made was in the form of body care products. Costco happened to have an earth friendly shampoo on the cheap, as in cheaper than the conventional counterpart...so I tried it and liked it. Then they added shower gels, lotions, and scrubs by the same company for drastically less than I had been paying for my Bath & Body favorites. I was hooked. Our toiletries went officially green.

Cleaning products were harder to switch out. I had been using the same brands since I moved out of my parent's house. Which in turn were the same products my mom used. After an arduous process of trial and error, I have finally found products that work well and are better for our families and Mother Earth. I am going to share for anyone interested, what I like, and what I switched from at the end of this post.

When TLL was born, I was all too happy to go green with her as well. I found that Similac makes an awesome organic baby formula with all of the extra goodies but none(ish) of the extra chemicals. I also found that Babies R Us and Wal-Mart carry great organic clothing and bedding for babies. I watch the sales and my coupons, and I think I do a good job. Last trip, I bought just about an entire organic wardrobe for TLL for $60. *The really cool thing about this is, if I resell to a baby consignment type store...I tend to get more money for the clothes than what I originally spent.* I will cheerfully admit that I don't know if TLL's skin is just more resilient than the rest of my children's skin, but, I haven't had any of the little rash issues with her that I did with my others.

There are big failures too. 'Green' diapers didn't work for us. They aren't as absorbent, so we were using twice as many. The wipes are fine, but, when I can get 1000 wipes from Costco that are of the premium conventional variety, for $20, I can't justify only getting 250 wipes for the same amount of money. Paper towels are an addiction for me. I love my Bounty, and I have not found an eco friendly alternative in any price range. Toilet paper. I was happy with the Seventh Generation brand, or the Whole Foods brand, but, the kids rioted for Charmin. They won. Make-up is something I really haven't experimented with yet. When all is said and done, I am proud of both how far we have come and how much better I feel about what I am doing for my family.

Happy Earth Day!

• Shampoo----------> Giovanni and Shikai products


• Bath & Body Works lotions, gels, and scrubs--------->Giovanni


• Tide detergent----------->Ecos (way cheaper too)


• Shout stain remover------->Ecover stain remover


• Clorox bleach---------->Ecover 'bleach' powder


• Clorox II color safe bleach----------->Hydrogen peroxide (this is a money saver too)


• Bounce dryer sheets---------->Method 'wet' dryer sheets (the conventional stuff has animal fats in it, which all though I am by no means Vegan, I find icky)


• Lysol floor cleaner----------->Ecover or GreenWorks


• 409 surface spray------------>Seventh Generation or GreenWorks


• Windex glass cleaner------------->GreenWorks


• Palmolive dish soap--------------->Ecover


• Cascade automatic dishwasher tabs------------->Ecover automatic dishwasher tablets


• Huggies brand baby soaps/lotions/etc----------->method baby


• baby bedding------------------->Gerber organics


• baby clothes-------------------->Koala brand organic


• Air freshener------------------->method


• Antibacterial hand soap----------------->CleanWell


• Hand sanitizer-------------------->CleanWell


• sponges---------------->twist
  

...and that's all folks.

Thanks Monday, you rocked my world!

I am sure my children have some type of sixth sense. Today, just when I was ready to start google*ing gypsies to try and sell them off, they came through with flying colors. BB decided that he wanted to learn how to load the dishwasher (score) and LB remembered that his chore is to clean the bathroom counters with a baby wipe. JB decided that she actually wanted to play with her baby sister (the one she begged for, for 8 years and demanded the return of her younger boy siblings on sight) and even remembered to clean off the bar.

I did a bajillion loads of laundry, well, okay four loads of laundry. Though, you all know how terrible my dryer is, so I am sure there is some 'hazard pay' credit involved somehow. I have all my children's clothes picked out for the week on Monday night (though for my better organized counterparts it may sound like I'm late, around here this is what is known as a miracle) whoo-hoo!!!

I do miss my husband, and from what I hear he had an awful day. However...the thermostat is mine again BABY! Okay, I know I'm lame but, once again, whoo-hoo! To be fair, I did suggest that the kiddos might want to wear their flannel jammies tonight.

My Grandmother stopped by with a whole bunch of cereal and juice for the kids. Unfortunately I couldn't come to the door because I was in the shower. The cereal and stuff isn't stuff I usually let them have, but...I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Free food? Thank you Nana! And y'all caught the part about me being in the shower? Yep! This makes this ENTIRE month of April during which I have showered EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Today rocked!

I am playing THAT card and blaming hormones. Thanks.

Some things are just plain easier to do by myself. For example, we took the children out for ice cream tonight. I grabbed the three older children and headed for the line, leaving Hubby with the two little ones and a request that he put them in the stroller and c'mon and join us. End result was hubby pushed empty stroller to the back of the ice cream place (not the front where y'know we were) and carried TLL, leaving H in THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. I literally flung a handful of waffle cones and my purse and had to go running after him while his daddy was oblivious. The first two times this happened...I had patience (maybe because my heart kept stopping) the third time, I lost my stuff. In a scene that would have made Kate from Jon & Kate proud, I yelled at hubby in front of a million people and our kids.

Yes, I am that shrew.

One thing that my hubby doesn't get, is that I have a plan. At all times, with every decision made in public (usually for safety reasons, though some sanity saving ones as well) there is a plan in effect. Often I need to change/improvise/rework/ scrap and start over said plan, but, it does exist. When you take a large number of children, particularly your own (because THEY never listen to you) anywhere, it is important to think about contingencies. Not necessarily in depth, but to think, okay...if I am not going to have any hands free, I'll use the stroller. Then you tweak the plan as necessary, for example, to keep H from screaming while he is strapped into the stroller...I'll point out the ice cream cones everyone else is getting and tell him that if he's good, he will get one too. Then, Mom/Dad is able to actually buy ice cream without tempting every purse snatcher within a 100 mile radius, and it doesn't cost a fortune because there is no need to replace the cones you fling on the ground. Mom/Dad can even do this in relative peace if they acquiesce to the request for 'sphinkles' which I hear are much better than the kind I buy.

The reason that I like to let the children get out of the car is because I love my upholstery. Of course, I also realize that it is more fun for them to get to sit on the benches and goof off and enjoy the sugar rush, and I do love my children more than my leather seats. As the children begin to finish, I usually ask them to race from the bench to the wall (or whatever) so that they are burning off sugar fuel and I can control where they are running (i.e., not in the street) and I must admit that the big ones are wise to my game, but, participate because they like to run. Then I can sit back and snap pictures, play with the baby, eat my ice cream, and most of all enjoy my children.

Tonight was the Treat Night from Hell. I yelled at Hubby. He yelled at the kids. Everyone was off their game and miserable. It would have been much better to take the kids by myself and bring him back an ice cream. Of course while talking about it in the car on the way home, Hubby admitted that the reason he didn't put the children in the stroller was that...ARE YOU READY?...He doesn't know how the straps work. Somehow in the past 12 years, I have failed to notice that my husband has never learned how to use a stroller. *Thinking back to when TLL fell out of her swing right after he got here, maybe all things that strap.* I will say that it was a good thing that I had lost my temper already, because it would not have been pretty had I not felt chastised into being on my best behaviour.

So, tonight was an unmitigated disaster. From tonight, I learned something though. While I was furious at the time with Hubby, it was more my fault than his. If, for this long, I have been picking up his slack...I can't expect him to feel confident doing things that he has never had to do before. I'm not sure how this happened to be honest. I can't believe that for all these years, I've just done it all myself, never teaching or helping Hubby do things with/for the children on his own. I am a little shocked that he has never said, "hey, how does that work?" Instead he has been saying things like, "I forgot." Still, I am amazed. I am no longer angry, just sad. Maybe, just maybe this is why we are being given number six...to get it right...finally. This time around, I am going to play dumb from time to time. "Honey, can you figure these things out? I can't figure out how they work." There is one thing about my husband that I know...he can't resist a damsel in distress, and that folks...is how I'm going to get him.

There is one thing I am sure of though. Watching him leave was really, really hard. As frustrated as I have been with having him here, now at least I think I know why. I just watched my very best friend, and the only person who really understands me drive away. He took a piece of my heart with him when he left. Sure, I can do all the buckling and unbuckling of daily life on my own, but, I can't make us a family without him. The children will miss him terribly, he is the good parent to my bad parent. I will miss him more...he is my other half. It is still 2 years and 5 months until his contract in the South is up. That sure sounds like one heck of a long time.

Grrr...idle hands beats this

Video games are evil. I am so close to taking an expensive game system and chucking it straight out our kitchen window. I cannot stand my children when they are all arguing, fighting, and crying over virtual silliness.

How completely ridiculous. End of rant.

Mommy has an ouchie

Oh my...I feel major yuck today. TLL was really uncomfortable last night, for reasons unknown. I ended up walking her most of the night. She seems fine today though, so that makes me happy. She is 28 lbs these days and therefore not so easy for me to walk. When I shift her so that the pressure isn't on my belly, I end up doing a number on my already bad back. I feel like a cripple. Just so you understand, when I opened the fridge and saw that my coffee drinks were on the bottom shelf? I decided to do without.As a reward, I got a million hugs and kisses from H...AFTER I picked him up at his insistence.

Hubby intends to make khoresht today (which is a stew kind of thing with lots of awesome herbs and spinach served over rice) for the family which means my step son will be here soon. I had planned on taking the kids to the Earth Day celebration at our local organic food grocer. I thought they would have fun with the yoga, music, face painting and zillion samples. Now, I'm not so sure we'll make it.

We'll see. I'll update later if the day isn't too crazy.

Who wrote that? Me. Oops.

Today, I spent some time reading my blog. Wow! I am actually pretty embarrassed. For this lovely month of April showers, I have been a storm cloud myself. So, I want to talk about a few different things in no particular order.

I am getting to the point that I am scared. Really, very, terribly scared. You see, I have had one of my children all by myself (meaning no hubby at the hospital) and it was really my worst experience with having a baby...ever. I am very frightened that it will happen again this time. Since Hubby is living so far away, he may not be able to get here for the new baby's birth...and this scares me. My five babies right now, will have to be entrusted to my Aunt while I am in the hospital. I know that they all adore her, but, I hate leaving them. Honestly, if my insurance would cover a home birth, I would be all over it like white on rice.

My oldest son is fighting me tooth and nail in obvious ways and more subtle ones. He is so angry about this baby, and he really wants me to know it. Of course, he was also furious about the last four of my babies too. I am worried about him. I am also sad. I miss him, the way he usually is, so very much. While he was at my Mom's for a week, he told her about the baby (he asked if he could...and I'm chicken so I was okay with it) and her response was, "just don't tell your Grandpa, if he finds out he'll kill your mother." She has yet to raise the subject with me. My Mom's response, and they way they have reacted to the rest of their grandchildren, I think contributes to his anger. This is something else that makes me sad.

I am feeling massive amounts of guilt. I have never had two children as close together as TLL and the baby will be. I feel like I am cheating TLL out of attention that should still rightly be hers. She is such a precious baby and I feel like a monster knowing that soon she won't have 'latest addition' status anymore. I know I mentioned at some point finding a tee-shirt that said, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." I bought that shirt in a lot of different sizes for TLL, so she can wear it if we find ourselves having trouble giving her the attention she will still need. Guilt eats at a Mommy. I think we thrive on it sometimes. I imagine it to be like unicorn blood in the Harry Potter books...it gives us life, but a cursed half life. *Overly dramatic, I know.*

I am feeling so very terrible. With my first three pregnancies, it was a breeze. I couldn't understand why women complained about it. With H, I began to understand a little better. With TLL I was completely miserable for six of the nine months. This time, it is even worse. Thanks to some nerve damage that is exacerbated by pregnancy, it is almost impossible for me to bend over without feeling like I am going to pass out. I also have trouble with suddenly not being able to feel my left arm and left foot. Then there is the pressure which is nearly constant now. I often wonder if other moms of many have had increasingly difficult pregnancies with their broods.

I am really disgusted with the house we are living in. I am tired of drying carpets (talk about a time suck) and I am tired of the roof leaking every five minutes. I am aghast at what is under the carpet upstairs. There is no padding. Just icky, wet wood. Today the towel bar in the children's bathroom fell to the floor. It took half the putty that was apparently replacing drywall with it. My Grandfather still hasn't finished the door, so I am getting all sorts of creepy crawlies inside, not to mention my electric bill has gone up $40 a month for the last two months. The folks next door punched a hole in our adjoining wall when installing their water softener. I have been seeing icky bugs in my kitchen, which completely repulse me. The exterminator traced the source to the wall. I have been told that they will keep spraying, but, it will be a losing battle so long as the hole exists and the woman next door isn't treating her home. They sprayed the day before yesterday and I spent all day yesterday cleaning up dead and dying bugs. Gross. This doesn't even touch on my bordering on OCD method of cleaning all kitchen surfaces every time I walk in there. I can deal with mess and clutter, germs and filth are a different story. Germs must be eradicated.

Now for some good things.

I am grateful for this blog. To have this outlet for my anger, frustration, and less than classy language has allowed me to keep much of my internal strife hidden from my children. There is a certain comfort in being able to put thoughts on paper (if you will) and then being able to walk away from them. Until I see those words and thoughts all typed out, often I can't stop them from running non stop through my mind at all times of the day and night.

We bought a new car seat for TLL yesterday. It made me feel like I was actually doing something to get ready for the new baby. It is a pretty extravagant affair, and was more money than I think we have ever spent on a car seat. Of course, it was also marked down $65 because it was one of two left at Costco. My husband the engineer gave up on the installation instructions and turned the process over to me. The car seat absolutely made me feel completely inept. I've had five kids...um, why can't I figure out a simple car seat? Still, the car seat was a good thing. A nesting thing even.

Three more weeks and H will get his cast off! I am so happy about this. It pains me to watch him with his cast. My family tends to say things like, "the cast isn't slowing him down." That statement makes me want to rip a heart or two out. I see everyday how much he fights to do things that used to be so easy for him. He is left handed and he is having a hell of a time. Glad I'm the only one who notices. I'm not sure if I want to save the cast or burn it when they cut it off...we shall see.

I am going to try to let a little more sun shine through in my blog. I do have five awesome children that wow and amaze me each and every day. My children make me laugh and fill me with love and pride. Hopefully, putting all my fears in words will let me distance myself from them, will lighten the pressure on my chest, and will let me concentrate more on the magic in my life. The magic is the best part.