Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Pink Elephant in the room

I am not by any means a prude. However, in my hope to help a few people out there, who aren't sure what is, or is not, appropriate to talk about in a family restaurant, here is a short list of words even *I* wouldn't utter.
  • Anything using "fuck." This rule may only be broken if you find an appendage in your food, such as, "What the fuck is this?" as you pull a small hairy paw out of your soup.
  • "Penis." While I won't ban the use of this word in the bathroom for obvious reasons, I will unequivocally state that any phrases that start, "He posted pictures of his penis..." are not okay, especially when spoken at your table.
  • "Lines." Please don't leave me nonsensically stumbling to explain why you just said, "lines on the bathroom counter," instead of "lines to get to the bathroom counter. Please leave your lines and any talk about them, in the dorm from whence you came.
  • "Blow job." I am positive that I don't care if Erica gave Peter a blow job, but, after they wire your jaws shut, your boyfriend will be doing without them for a long, loooong time.
Now that we have established what can and cannot be said in a family restaurant, let me give you a few helpful hints to determine if you are indeed 'in' a family restaurant.

  • The term "Family Restaurant" appears in bold red letters on the sign.
  • There are people at least 1-2 feet shorter than you are in every direction you look.
  • They have a game room that doesn't include any darts, poker, or pool tables.
  • There are pissed off parents as far as the eye can see, wondering when their children will need to potty, so they will be free to discreetly rip out your vocal chords.
I think that I am the true test of what is absolutely, positively offensive. If you have managed to offend me, you have crossed a line. In the event that the occupants of the table behind ours ever stumble upon this post, "Just because a restaurant has a bar, doesn't mean it is one. Just because you're drunk, doesn't mean it's okay. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should...and the last one, is all that saved me from dumping my glass over your foul mouthed little heads, but, the next time I would STFU if I were you, restraint only goes so far."


  1. I wonder what would happen if you'd complain to a waitress? I understand free speech (blah, blah, blah) but maybe you could have been moved to another table. Good grief. Some people are just bona fide jerks.

  2. OMG you are hilarious. Yeah, whenever I am in a public place I am always giving dirty looks to people who swear in front of my kids. teenagers sem to be the worst offenders but old people can be just as bad!


  3. eyeps. glad that you are back! punks are punks, i was one, probably will be in my dotage, again, so , forgive us. . .

  4. You're just a big ball of total no-need-to-compete "WIN"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And just in case you didn't think I meant it:

  5. Viv! I hear ya. Those nights out can be a real penis fuck.


    Blow job.

  6. Ha! I am LOLing at Homemaker Man.

    What I would really like to read is a rundown of how you explained all the terms above to your children. In great detail.


  7. Just more proof we've become an inconsiderate society. *sighs*

  8. OH EM GEE! That's like one day when I was checking out at the grocery store and the bagger and the cashier (both male) were talking about banging chics. I had to explain to my little guy why those mean boys were hitting baby chickens with hammers on the way home! STOOPID KIDS! Be respectful when there are little ears around for the love of all that is HOLY!

  9. Go mama. Tell it.

    Just had to listen to a mother in Target say: "I don't care how many people in this store hear me, I am going to BEAT YOU. I'll make sure they ALL see it." Another example of someone who should STFU.

    People are idiots.

  10. I couldn't agree more - expressed very eloquently.