Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

My mom called today. After my sister called to warn me that she was becoming unhinged. I shall cheerfully report that all is well. Here is an excerpt from our conversation.

Mom: Look, I just want to say that everything I have ever said about kids and stuff, I take it all back. I was wrong. You can write it on your calender. Also write down that unless you die, I AM NEVER TAKING THIS KID AGAIN.
Me: Rough day? I just woke up from a nap myself.
Mom: Oh my God! This kid doesn't listen. To anything I say. No matter what I threaten him with. If BB tells you that I threatened to kill him, I did. I would never do it you know, but, I did say that. He didn't care. He just smirked at me. Smirked I tell you! I felt so bad, but, I think I'm going to die. I mean, I think he is going to kill me. I asked our yardman if he has a gun, I asked him to please kill me. He wouldn't, I think I scared him. *note, this is probably what made my sister go with unhinged*
Me: Uh, where is the baby now?
Mom: Your father came home early from work and took the kids to the mall. That kid is freakishly strong. I don't know how a two year old can be so strong. I can't MAKE him do anything. You are a Saint. I don't know how you do it. I want to die. God himself would freeze him or something if he had to take care of him. A cage. A big dog cage. If something ever happened to you, I'd get a cage. One with a top.
Me: You've given a lot of thought to this I see. CPS frowns on caging children Mom. They would arrest you.
Mom: So? Then someone else would have to take care of him, right? If I'm in prison, I can't. Right?
Me: Maybe you should lie down, take a little nap. Call me if you want to send him home early. Take a break for right now though, okay?
Mom: I am so tired. I have never been this tired in my whole life. I have never had to work this hard. He is so much work. He isn't *gasp* normal, is he? Okay, I'll lay down. I love you. I love him. I am really tired though, and I haven't been able to take a shower since he got here. I'm dirty. My house is a wreck. I can't clean though. I can't leave him alone in a room long enough to clean anything, then after he goes to sleep, I'm so tired. Too tired.
Me: I know. I'll call you later.

You are wondering why I don't feel worse for my Mom, right? The answer is because she is the most judgemental person I know. I constantly listen to how she never slept when my sisters were little, because there was too much work to be done and how she never left anything for tomorrow. Then she tells me what a disaster my home is and how if I cared about my kids that I would go without sleep so they could live in a sterile environment. I also hear a lot about how her kids never had any chores, and about my expectations that the kids clean up after themselves are so unreasonable. My favorite quote came about a month ago, "He is two years old, a mere baby. You are an adult. You are the parent. If you had any idea how to be a mother at all, you would show him who is boss. He would do what you say. When you say. If not, then you have no business being a parent." Yup, it is true...my sympathy levels are a tad low.